The 7 biggest obstacles to creating self-discipline
And how to overcome them
As a somatic and developmental coach, my role is to support humans in the journey towards creating new habits of the mind and body. Very often I witness accomplished people come up against hurdles with self-discipline.
Creating new habits is more of an internal job than an external one or a behavior creation. The internal work has to precede the behavioral change.
Creating new habits (of the mind or body) requires at the beginning some discipline, it is a growth process so it will bring up some discomfort (if it is too easy then there is no growth there) and it requires some repetition…until this new habit is embodied and part of your lifestyle or part of yourself (for new mindset habits).
And you will know that it is now part of you because not doing it will feel like you are missing it. Your language around this new habit will change from : “I can’t eat these types of food right now” to “I’am not eating these types of food”; “I can’t look at my phone when I wake up” to “ I am not looking at my phone as when I wake up.”
For many years I sat and observe as some of my clients were able to create and sustained new healthy habits of the mind body while others really struggled to keep them going after a couple months.
I also spent a lot of time modelling people that were very good at creating new habits and looked at my own experience of creating new habits that I kept for the rest of my life. In NLP we call this study “modelling”. Modelling is a very thorough study of how the mind works as we do things that seem instinctual and natural to us. It helps create the right mindset as we create new habits.
What I observed is that the 7 main obstacles to having the discipline to create a new habit are the following:
#1 — Not having a clear intention
If you don’t precisely know and feel why you are creating this habit, you will lack the true motivation that can sustain that habit.
What is the intention behind the habit you want to create, what do YOU value about it? Your highest intention is not what other people would say or think of you if you created this new habit, this externally referent intention would not be truly yours and would not be a good enough internal motivation to create and sustain this new habit. An example could be you want to start exercising. Why is that important to you? → Because I would like to be healthy (and not because I would loose weight and I would look better in the eyes of others); Why is that important to you? → because I want to live a life full of vitality …Why is that important to you? → Because I want to spend quality time with my partner as long as I can.
When you find your highest intention for this new habit, bring it to mind every day (a note reminding you of it at a place you often look at is a good idea). And more than just visualising it, feel it. Feel how it would feel to reach your intention, to live it: how would your life look like, how would act and think and walk and stand… Bring a lot of colour as you visualise and feel and live this new intention.
#2 Perfectionism
As you start a new habit, your inner critic may show up basically telling you that you are not good enough (at running, at cleaning, at writing…) so you will ask yourself “what’s the point?”.
→ Observe that inner critic (who’s that voice in your head? chances are this is not even yours… the inner voice could have been a transmission from your parents, or a carer or teacher…)
→ Observe how this makes you feel. Most likely not great.
→ Thank him or her for trying to keep you “safe” in the comfort of your old habits, but let him or her know that this is what you are doing now, showing up for this new habit, imperfectly but consistently. “Safe” is what is not good enough anymore.
Remember that perfectionism is the enemy of habit creation. If you don’t wake up one day, or not show up for your training, or got invited to dinner and miss out on your intermittent fasting window once or twice, give yourself a break. Every master has some days off. I see a lot of people quitting because they are too strick.
→ Allow for the 80/20 rule: Do what you set youself to do 80% of the time, and allow for 20% zig zagging.
#3 Taking too big steps
When creating a habit, having a more specific end goal is a good combination to knowing your highest intention.
→ So define an goal to attached to your new habit (specific, measurable, achievable, and with a definite realistic time to it) and linked to your highest intention (#1). It is great to have an end-goal that is a bit of a stretch, that is where we grow. And find many reasons to care for that end goal.
Example: your end-goal could be to run a half-marathon in a year and your highest intention to be as healthy as possible to live long, be a role model for your kids and enjoy life with a healthy body.
→ Divide that end goal into smaller bites that are shorter-term and achievable on that short timeframe.
Continuing on the same example: if you have never ran before, don’t set your goal to start with a 10Km run every morning. Maybe a 2Km run every second day with some walks in between and that for the next month, is a more achievable short-term goal. If you set your short term goals too high, they will be hard to achieve, and you will have the inner critic show up more easily / you might get demotivated.
Start small. Small steps. Celebrate. Build up. Keep your highest intention in mind.
#4 No allocated space for it / not prioritising it.
Create a slot in your agenda for your new habit, have a chat with your partner, make it a meeting in your agenda, put it up in the priority (think of #1 your highest intention). Everything in life is a choice, so choose to act in alignment with the desire to create that new habit. And yes, that might imply having uncomfortable new conversations with your family or work about prioritising your wellbeing. That might include a inner work to release guilt and to talk and integrate all the parts of yourself that might show up (the part that thinks family needs comes before yours, the part that can’t express your needs very well, the part that believes you can’t take a break at work or ask for that day off, the part that worries a lot about what other people think)… But it is oh so worth it, so create space for it and own that decision. Creating a new healthy habit will benefit you and all the people around you as they will get to experience a more present, peaceful and happier you.
#5 Lots of distractors…
→ Let’s say you are trying to create the habit to meditate in the morning as you wake up and you have a tendency right now to scroll on social media as you wake up. If your phone is your alarm clock, chances are you will start by checking what is happening in the social media world or news or emails… Keep your phone away from your bedroom, charge it somewhere else, and buy an old fashion alarm clock.
→ If you start creating new healthy eating habits but your house is full of junk food, this makes it much harder. Kick the junk food away, and feel your fridge with healthy alternatives.
→ If you are aiming at building up self-esteem but you are surrounding your self (either by watching, hearing, spending time with) with people that judge, gossip, compare and that are not supporting you… this will make it hard. Start finding friends that truly support you, see you for who you are and are on the same self-developmental path.
Once your habit is embodied and part of you or your lifestyle, you can start being around those past distractions and they won’t feel like a distraction as you will be able to stand your ground. But as you create this new habit, don’t make it harder for yourself and remove those disctractions.
#6 Choosing something you don’t enjoy
→ If you want to start exercising and you choose running but you hate it, chance are that this is not going to be very sustainable. There are many other way to get your heart pumping (hiking, cycling, dancing, yoga flows…). Choose something you love.
→ Now if the new habit you are creating is regularly cleaning and organising your house, but you don’t like cleaning (and unless you have enough money to hire someone to do that for you!), first go back to #1 the why? It could be to live in a space that feels spacious for the body and the mind… and make this as enjoyable as possible: music, dancing, doing it with friends, partners, kids, keeping your highest intention in mind.
→ If you are creating a new mind habit for example choosing a new set of beliefs, bring a little lighness to the process, don’t take anything too seriously, especially do not judge harshly your old way of thinking when it shows up. Bring some fun, look within with lightness, kindness and curiosity
#7 Lack of ownership / Responsibility
You are in charge of your thoughts, emotions, words and actions. Take responsibility for it. Be honest with yourself, look at who or what you have been blaming for not being where you want to be, and stop blaming. Take responsibility for the rest of your life.
A holistic coach is a great ally in your new habit creation, because new habits are created from within. A coach won’t do the job for you though, he or she will walk along you with strong beliefs in you,encouragement and guidance.
Let me support you in your journey! This is what I do! Have a chat with me and let see how we can work together to create those healthy mind-body habits you’d like to develop and create the life you deserve and dream of. Check out my 7-week, 12-week programs, yoga classes or private coaching sessions on my website: fearlesslyyourself.com
With love and gratitude.
Dorothee Marossero Msc, MBA, NLP Master Practitioner, is a transformational coach, creator of Fearlessly Yourself and Dottyoga. She uses Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Yoga, mindfulness, somatic and self-care approaches to bring sustainable and deep transformation to women around the world.
