The 3 words I wished I had told my mother before she passed away

And why it might so hard for you to say those words to your loved ones

“It is hard.” Those were the words my mother told me on her hospital bed. She had being diagnosed with cancer a month before and there was no time left.

I was 26. I was wordless. I had nothing to say to her to reassure her, to help her go through her transition. A blank page. An uncomfortable silence.

We were raised atheist so there was no belief in a promised after-life that was going to be heavenly. There was no “it is going to be OK” possible at this moment.

Of course I could have said I love you. Those words seemed like the appropriate, natural ones to express at that time. However those words were not coming to me naturally, they could not come out of my mouth even though I loved my mother so much. We did not say those words in my family. Of course, we did love each other but there was no saying those, an invisible fence, prohibited words.

So yes I wish I had been able to say: you are loved, I love you, go in peace, surrounded by love, mine and all others that love you even the ones that passed before you.

I often asked myself why I could not say those words to my mother?

And as I coach clients, I hear the same story. An inability to communicate love, at least verbally.

So why is this so hard to say? To our own sisters and parents, family? Even when they are dying?

We learn how to express love from our family

If those words were not said in our tribe, well this is how you program yourself on how to love.

What did you learn from your parents? How did they love themselves? How did they love each other? Were they able to express their love? How? To you?

Are you living in the same model of the world?

Fear of rejection from your tribe:

There might be a fear of rejection, coming from childhood and the ultimate rejection as a child is to be rejected by his or her own tribe. So that might be one reason. You say “I love you” to your parents and they don’t say it back because of intergenerational way of not saying those words. So as a child you interpretate the lack of word as a lack of love and take it as “I am NOT lovable”. As a protection, you just don’t say it. It is too risky.

And we keep this programming throughout our adult life.

And that comes back to play in romantic relationship where it might be hard to express those feeling verbally by fear of being rejected or moqued.

Playing it strong

Vulnerability has been equated to weakness for many generations. And for many saying those words shows vulnerability, it shows your heart, your true self. And chances are this was mocked at when you were young. We were told not to be too emotional, not to show emotions as it made everyone umcomfortable.

I think for me this was the biggest part of why I could not say I love you to my mother. Because would I have said those 3 words. I would have cried, bowled, let it all out. I would have crumbled. In front of my dying mother. I would have upset her. I felt the strong need to play it strong, for her, for my sisters, my father.

There was no crying for me at that time. I had the “play it strong” role. I could not crumble. The task and stake was to high. Keeping the family together in this hard time.

Low Self-esteem

That fear of rejection and that play is strong mask are both showing signs of a low self-esteem level. The lack of self-esteem “syndrome” that comes into play, where it is hard to think of ourselves as lovable and therefore it is hard to receive or give love.

Unfortunately, it is seems that a deeper feeling of not being worthy of love, of not being enough is something we all experience or have experienced at some point in our lives.

So establishing an unconditional self-esteem, a strong sense of self, independent of external things like accomplishment, or what other people think, or what society or your tribe is expecting of you is important.

A love language that is non verbal

Chances are that if the love language in your family was not verbal, you might have learned another love language, such as quality time, physical touch, acts of service, or sending gifts to your loved ones.

My love language had developped more as quality time with the people I love.

For some people it could be doing something helpful for you (like putting gaz in your car when it is low), cooking dinner for you, showing up to your birthday party, calling you to tell you about a happy or sad new, asking your advice, showing up to your yoga class, sending a birthday card or gift, giving you a hug, going for a walk with you, stopping for a chat and a cup of tea… and so many more.

So not being able to express love verbally might be all OK, if you have other ways to express love… Until, you wished you had expressed love verbally (or any other ways) — like I did — and you were not able to because of fear. This is when an inner work would be helpful to discover what was blocking it.

As I gained confidence throught my developmental and spiritual work, I became comfortable with giving and receiving love. I became confident to be able to say I love you to the people I love and not expect it in return.

I tell my kids, husband, sisters, father, my friends that I love them on a daily basis. And I also show them I love you with hugs, quality time and presence. And while I get the words back from my kids, husband and some friends, I also often I don’t get an “I love you” back. My family still does not say it. It is hard for them. And that is OK. Everyone has to go through their own journey at their own time, to be able to receive that love and maybe find ways to express it. And I have learned to give and feel the love through other languages without expecting anyone to express it back the way I would do it myself.

I know that, eventhough I did not say those words to my mother at that crucial time, I was there. Everyday. Holding her hands. And my presence was love. And she felt it.

I know that she did not die in pain, I know she felt surrounded by love, mine and all my family and all her family that passed away before her. I know she felt the warmth of love as she transitioned. I felt it.

Love and gratitude to all.

Want to gain confidence and self-love? Have a chat with me about my transformational program Fearlessly Yourself. www.fearlesslyyourself.com