Is your judgement of others impeding on your ability to grow, love and be happy?
On the liberating experience of releasing judgement from your life
Judgement seems to be inherent to us humans… Judgement is not always bad, judgement regarding safety of a situations is needed and keeping us safe and healthy; judging which investments to make is needed in your life or job…
However, as (adult) humans, we tend to judge people, family members, friends, strangers for reasons that are really arbitrary to our perception of the world. So we judge the clothes people wear, the way their body or skin looks, the choices their make as individual, as career, as parents, as voters….
Why are we judging others?
We are taught to judge, since we are little. We were born without judgment. And it is so beautiful to watch non-judgemental kids interact when they haven’t learned judgement yet. Such innocence, authenticity, freedom to play as they wish, with who they wish, to say what they want to say without worrying about what others will think… So we are taught as young kids to judge, from our parents transmitting their own beliefs and values, bringing their own lenses of the world (“this is inappropriate to wear this, to act like that, to feel this, to say this, to be angry, to be sad, to laugh too loud, to be selfish, to not say please, to marry this person, to start this career…”), from the culture in which we live in that comes with its inherent set of beliefs and values (on what to wear, what to eat, how to parent, how our body should look and weight, what neighboring countries to dislike…). So we grow up wired to judge.
If judging others is quite universal, why is it not serving us?
The issue with judgement is that it is toxic… not only for the people you judge but also for yourself. If you judge others harshly, chances are you judge yourself harshly too. Judgement can be hidden behind perfectionism, behind the high standards you put on yourself. If you have such high standard, whatever they are, why are other people not following the way you do things!!? I know that because I am a recovering perfectionist and I used to judge people (and myself) on a daily basis.
Any negative judgment is creating a negative energy / state in your body.
Simply take the time to notice how each judgment (of others or yourself) make you feel throughout your day. Truly notice. Do you feel good, love, acceptance, any of those high frequency emotions after judging someone? How does it make you feel when others judge you? Misunderstood? A feeling of unfairness? Sadness, rejection, lack of belonging?
Truly after having judged someone, or gossiped on someone, at best you feel nothing, but most often it will be putting yourself down. And for most of us, being judged is very painful.
And on a daily basis, it is extremely tiring. And it will eventually affect your mind, your attitude towards the world, and your health.
What is judgement, really?
Judgment is non-acceptance of differences, is comparison to another. It is separation. And from that state, a protection mechanism comes to play that brings rejection of that behavior and of that person, judged to be inferior in some way to you. This rejection of that behavior or character of that person is showing something you haven’t integrated in yourself, you haven’t accepted, you have repressed. A part you refuse to see as it would challenge the identity you created for yourself (a long time ago). And as you refuse to see this part of yourself and you can’t change the behavior or character of that person, there is a sense of powerlessness in judgement. To feel separated and powerless is painful for most of us. Physically painful. So, there is a sense of fear, fear of that pain.
So, most of us will go into protection mode. Judgement. Which will allow us to not feel what is there to feel. To put the responsibility of what we are feeling on the other person. And sometimes we will also move to frustration and anger, to avoid, distract ourselves from feeling the powerlessness, the sadness deep behind. To regain a false sense of power. The intention behind this protection mechanism is for us to feel better. But really after each judgement, there is a loss of self. An avoidance. And therefore, pain that is carried in the body and will stay there until we release it. Until we are ready to face it, to have a good look at ourselves, a deeper look. That is the beginning of spiritual growth.
When you start having the courage to look at yourself and start taking the responsibility for your emotions (NOBODY makes you feel a certain way, you make yourself feel that way and luckily you can decide to change this pattern and choose another path), when you give yourself permission to feel what is there to feel, and set that intention, this is the beginning of freedom, acceptance of self and others, and a more joyful life.
My journey to lessening the negative impact of judgement in my life
I started a judgement “detox” many years ago, while noticing the judgement and constant voice in my head. Those judgements were tiring and always leaving me with a feeling of separation, inferiority, shame and disappointment. They were taking me away from the love I wanted to create and feel for myself and the world.
I started to bring awareness to all those judgements throughout the day and reframe all negative judgments of others. For example, I would see a woman in the street wearing something I would judge (in my model of the world) as inappropriate, thinking that it was hurting the women’s fight for not being objectivised. I would catch my first negative thoughts and reframe my first interpretation of the situation by something like: this woman is proud of her body and ready to wear whatever she’d like to wear today without thinking of what others might think. I would realize that was something I hadn’t integrate for myself as I would always dress in accordance to what I thought others would find appropriate with the identity I created… But really this woman was not worrying about what others would think. How free! What an empowered woman she was! And I would bring a great feeling in my body and I would smile and internally tell her: “You go girl! Way to be empowered and change the world!” And genuinely feeling happy for this person wearing whatever she wanted to wear that day. My energy or state was transformed in a positive way! Or if a car would cut me off, instead of thinking he was a jerk, I would first acknowledge that being forceful and asserting my presence in this way was not something I would have allowed myself to do all the time, probably even in times where I would have needed to do so. Then I would think maybe his partner is going to have a baby and he’s flying to the maternity and felt happy that he got to go as fast as he needed. Reframing the situation created a healthy and new habit of thoughts and feelings. Reframing is a great step in a judgement “detox”. It brings so much understanding and compassion to others.
Really, once you reach a point where you truly deeply accept and love every parts of yourself, the darkness and the light, all the emotions that move through your body, it does not matter if the woman on the street wears tight jeans, if the kids next doors are loud, if your manager speaks his mind, if your colleague does not act the way you expect her to or if the car in front of you does not put his blinkers on. It is very empowering to take responsibility and control of your thoughts, feeling, action and words. And this does not mean that people can treat you badly. No, this means with a different state of mind of the situation you can respond and not react and not impact your health by feeling low, angry, sad…
Letting go of judgement
A few steps / practice to stop this toxic circle of judgement and start the empowering habit of taking control of your internal powers:
- Catch the judgement (Hint: when you start feeling that you are right and they are wrong: they are wearing the “wrong” outfit, or that they are being “whatever names come to your mind”: jerks, arrogant, too this, too that , too emotional, not enough… any of that is judgement)
- Forgive yourself immediately for this fast judgement (i.e. don’t bring an additional judgement to yourself for having judged another being).
- Use any technique that helps you get back to your body: Take a few deep breaths, move your eyes slowly around the room you are in, reconnect to your senses: touch, taste, smell, sight or hearing…
- Feel what is there to be felt — powerlessness, inferiority, sadness, fear, the part of you you are not acknowledging or accepting… Feel the pain, and let it move through. Take your time, become conscious of every moment, this is an important step.
- Bring the intention to let it go. Breathe, decide to let it go and let it go.
- Reframe: Cognitively recognize that you might have made an error in judgement. Put yourself in the shoes of the person you are judging. Reframe the positive intention from the person(s) or situation you judged.
- Choose LOVE/Compassion/understanding/humour. Repeat out loud or internally a mantra: I am choosing to love over fear. I am choosing to love over fear…. Give yourself permission to feel loved, to feel love, to feel good enough.
- And only if needed, from this state of mind, if there is a way to respond to the situation, and not react, take action, speak your mind — in a loving respectful way.
Doing this practice daily, will recreate a healthy habit of thoughts and feelings. It will take the time it needs to take. It is empowering and brings true freedom. This has changed my life and I know in my heart it can bring so much needed love and understanding to our world right now.
With infinite love and gratitude.
Dorothee Marossero
Transformational coach, creator of Fearlessly Yourself, a 12-week transformational program for women
www.fearlesslyyourself.com
