How to Ask for What You Need and Build Self-Worth
“What would you like for dinner, Darling?” “Whatever you wish, my love.”
Do you often find yourself responding with similar “whatever you wish” answers to questions like these?
In the past, my husband had a habit of always replying with “Whatever you like,” and this used to bother me greatly. I knew deep down that he had preferences or specific food choices at least occasionally, so why couldn’t he express them openly?
From a Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) perspective, we are all wired differently, shaped by our unique “culturescape,” which includes our family, culture, religion, as well as our personal wounds, traumas, and experiences. Some individuals, like my husband, view the world through a “second person” perspective, prioritizing others over themselves. He was the type of person who always considered others first, as he had learned from his upbringing that selflessness was a commendable quality — a way to feel loved and accepted. And being thoughtful towards others is not inherently negative, unless it becomes a barrier to having your own needs met, suppressing your desires and ultimately draining your vitality. Over time, this can lead to resentment, which inevitably builds up.
Throughout my years of working with clients, I’ve encountered similar issues where individuals struggle to ask for what they want or need in various aspects of their lives. Sometimes it can be situation-dependent: while some people find it challenging to ask for a pay raise at work, they can easily express their preferences for dinner.
Your ability to ask for what you need reflects your perception of self-worth. Do you believe you are deserving enough to articulate your needs? Is it influenced by the context in which you find yourself?
Moreover, are you even connected to what you truly need? Sometimes, after neglecting our own needs for an extended period, it becomes difficult to identify or acknowledge them.
To help you reconnect with your needs and cultivate the willingness and courage to express them, here are some key steps:
- Connect with your needs and desires: You may have been avoiding asking or downplaying their significance to avoid having to ask altogether.
- Create a comprehensive list: Examples could include requesting a pay raise at work, seeking support from your partner in taking care of the children to allow some personal time, spending time alone with friends, establishing a more consistent frequency of visits from loved ones, or clarifying the status of a relationship. If you’ve been wired with a “selfless is good” mentality for a while and struggle to connect with your needs, start small. Begin by asking yourself what you need before simple daily tasks and gradually expand your list over time.
- Visualize the conversation of asking for your needs: Identify the fears that arise. Reflect on what has hindered you from asking for these things in the past and what is currently holding you back. Some common fears include the fear of rejection or receiving a “no,” the belief that asking for what you need is selfish, or the notion that seeking help or support is a sign of weakness. Challenge these beliefs and question their validity.
- Recognize how it feels when your needs are unmet: Close your eyes and connect with the emotions associated with neglected needs from your list — frustration, anger, resentment, sadness, or loneliness. Allow these emotions to flow through your body and give yourself permission to experience them.
- Decide that change is necessary: Consider the consequences of never expressing your needs. Is it time for a change? Is it time to experience fulfillment? Are you ready to strengthen your sense of self-worth and ask for what you need?
- Address limiting beliefs and fears: Understand that people are not mind readers and that they have their own lives and beliefs to navigate. If you’re not clear about your needs, others may interpret your silence or lack of expression as contentment. Realize that asking for what you need is not selfish but a way to communicate your desires effectively.
- Start by asking for “smaller needs” on your list: Begin building your confidence and skills by expressing your preferences in simple situations. For instance, tell your spouse what you want for dinner, ask the waiter to modify your meal by adding or removing specific ingredients, request your partner to take care of the children while you go for a run, or ask your children to play quietly for a short period while you engage in some personal activities. Notice how empowering it feels to ask for what you need and gradually progress to bigger items on your list, such as a day off at work or having an open discussion about the status of your relationship.
- Be accepting of potential “no” responses: Understand that receiving a “no” is okay. It doesn’t mean you are unloved or that you’ve failed. It simply indicates that the other person is not ready to fulfill your request yet. Following a “no,” you have the option to ask questions and gain further insight: What is preventing them from saying yes? What aspects of your request are not acceptable to them? What do they need from you to say yes?
- Be prepared for a “yes”: Notice if guilt arises when you ask for something and actually receive it. Many of us have been raised to never ask, so feelings of guilt may surface. Allow yourself to breathe through this guilt and let it go. Connect with the empowered part of yourself that had the courage to express your needs.
- Embrace bravery and trust in your ability to handle any response you receive. Continuously practice asking for what you need on a daily basis.
Remember, asking for what you need is ultimately a gift to others as well. It provides clarity about your genuine desires, allowing them the opportunity to support, stand up for, and help you achieve what you want. Supporting and assisting others is a rewarding experience that fosters feelings of importance, trust, and fulfillment for the person you’ve asked. By asking for what you need, you serve as an example of authenticity, vulnerability, and courage, potentially inspiring others to do the same. You might become the catalyst for them to start expressing their own needs.
Asking for what you need contributes significantly to building your self-esteem because it demonstrates your commitment to self-care and prioritizing your own well-being. It also equips you to handle requests for assistance from others, as your willingness to ask encourages them to do the same. This reciprocity becomes a gift in return.
With guidance and support over the years, my husband has courageously embarked on a journey of self-discovery, delving deep within himself to heal past wounds, challenge limiting beliefs, and reconnect with his needs and desires. As a result, he has become much more flexible in his responses and confident in making requests, even when it comes to what he wants for dinner. And I absolutely love it.
With love and gratitude,
Dorothee
Dorothee is a conscious and compassionate empowerment coach who is redefining what women were conditioned to believe success, beauty, and life ought to be and who is sharing her love for life to the world.
Dorothee supports women who are struggling with a harsh inner critic, a sense of misalignment and lack of clarity in their life, to reconnect to their inner-power, rediscover self-love, self-esteem, presence and more importantly joy.
Download her FREE ebooklet “The 10 secrets to un-flickering self-esteem” here.
Interested in having Dorothee as a coach, check out her coaching page here, and book a FREE discovery call here to chat with her about your goals and needs.
